I’ll return to Nantwich in the coming days but I’m currently in beautiful North Wales, stealth-camping, full of wine (for it is Saturday) good food, and grinning like the Cheshire Cat. A few posts ago I promised another A to Z, this time of things that depress, annoy, irritate or simply piss me off. It sometimes does me good to think of things that are bad, and it’s good that this is making me laugh already. Without further ado then, here’s my less than definitive A to Z:
A – Anti-social behaviour. People who want to fight the world and ruin a good night for everyone because they can’t hold their ale and they have tiny penises. I could’ve labelled this one simply “Arseholes”.
B – Bullies. Lots of these bastards in the work environment, especially TV. Their bullying is mostly borne out of jealousy, insecurity and knowledge that they’re not as good as you.
C – 1 Cruelty. I’ve seen the worst of this, whereby some religion or cult or faith or whatever results in a vulnerable war-torn eight-year-old having to look after her siblings because her parents have been slain. But cruelty comes in all sorts of guises and just ought to be stopped.
2 Coldsores. They make you feel dirty and ugly.
3 Coathangers. They never behave the way you fucking want them to.
D – 1 Dog-owners. Not all of them, just the ones who think that everyone loves their dog. The same can be said of parents and children.
2 Depression. My dog is black.
E – Easter. Not in the religious sense, in the journalistic sense. At this time you always get copy saying things like “there’s an egg-stravaganza this Easter in Ipswich (or wherever)”. It’s just tired reportage and typical not just of local press (see J – Journalism).
F – 1 Fat fuckers in football shirts (usually Manchester Utd). They don’t look capable of even kicking a ball without suffering a heart-attack.
2 The Flex on the iron. Like coathangers, they never behave and are actually dangerous.
G – Gastropubs. Load of pretentious, over-priced bullshit.
H – 1 HS2. Why on earth they want to rip up more of our beautiful countryside so we can be in London ten minutes quicker is beyond comprehension.
2 Hayfever. Blighted my life and stopped me from enjoying the Summer (see O – Optrex).
I – Ignorance. There are millions of ignorant fuckers who just seem to get on.
J – 1 Jumped-up people with no talent or intelligence except to know who to shag.
2 Journalism. OK my name is Mark Bickerton and I was once Story Editor on Coronation Street. I did an interview once for a broadsheet and they said I was Malc Bickerstaffe, Script-Editor of Emmerdale. They get it so wrong.
K – Know-alls. No they fucking don’t. Especially if they’re journalists.
L – 1 Liverpool Football Club.
3 Lulu. Someone somewhere someday told her she could fucking sing. How a genius like David Bowie could let her murder The Man Who Sold the World is beyond me.
M – Mothers (and fathers) who’re more concerned about their Facebook profile than looking after their kids, hence letting them run amok in pubs and tread garden peas into the carpet.
N – Nightclubs. Refuges for fuckwits.
O – Optrex. They’re liars and cheats. Their eye-drops simply don’t work. Their slogan ought to be “Pay through the nose for what doesn’t work on your eyes.”
P – People. Not all of them. Some of them. Certain people. The cunts are probably too thick to know who they are.
Q – Queue-jumpers. I had an altercation in Home & Bargain once. A great shop but their queue-ing system is shite.
R – 1 Radio DJs get on my tits.
2 Road-rage. Your car is someone else’s traffic.
3 Ruby Wax.
S – Snobs.
T – Trump.
U – Unclear and confusing traffic signals.
V – Vienna. Not the city, that’s beautiful. The song. A fucking dirge.
W – Writers who have never done anything, been anywhere, known anything, yet earn hundred of thousands. It’s a con and people fall for it.
X – 1 X-factor. Load of bollocks.
Y – Youngsters with no respect for their fucking elders.
Z – Zoos. Zzzzz. Enough to make you go to sleep.
Talking of which, when I get insomnia I turn on the radio and listen to the garbage spoken by a DJ, or the shit that’s “sung” by Lulu. Or Vienna. Or think of listening to a Klopp interview. Or a Trump diatribe. Or reading this nonsense.